De-stressing Christmas

When I was a little lad, I used to look forward to the excitement of Christmas, the sparkle that’s in the high streets, the yummy food that seems to appear at every opportunity.

Many years later, life caring for somebody who finds the build up to Christmas, with the noise and the different routines, brings it home to me, that for some the time is hard… very hard.

Just this week I’ve chatted to people who are dealing with bereavement, loneliness, depression and anxiety - that become much more significant with Christmas - where everybody should be happy, shouldn’t they?

Earlier this month, we held a “round table” with the Peer to Peer Support Network at work, to discuss the stresses and strains of the Christmas season, and how to survive it.

We had a great chat! If you want to listen to the recording and work for BT, let me know, If you don’t yet work for BT, then see here: https://www.btplc.com/careercentre/

We finished the call with a list of suggestions from folk as to how they cope with the stresses of the festive season…. If you are struggling, or likely to struggle, why not try some of these ideas? They may not be suitable for all, but, as we know, everybody is different!

If you have any other ideas, leave them in the comments…

Ø  Buy a ready-made dessert for Christmas Day

Ø  Get the kids to help!

Ø  Give-up on Christmas Day being the ‘special day’ for presents

Ø  Don’t go overboard with food and drink

Ø  No expectations and no plans

Ø  Lots of good food!

Ø  Dogmass! – alternative Christmas, takes the focus off Christmas

Ø  ‘Stagger’ Christmas Lunch!  Have it over the whole day

Ø  Give up on events that you don’t have to go to anymore

Ø  Can you make a change so that you can do what you really want to do? 

Ø  Burger and chips on Christmas Day!

Ø  Watch a film and play games

Ø  Do a pot luck on Boxing Day, share the load

Ø  Don’t be pinned down to times and dates – do what suits you

Ø  Giving – remember small things can mean a lot to others

Ø  Play games with family

Ø  Cut off for housework on Christmas Eve

Ø  Don’t buy presents – saves the pressure on time and money

Ø  Avoid transport

Ø  Music and scent to make it feel like Christmas – but no pressure to make it perfect

Ø  Secret Santa – saves a lot of time and pressure

However your Christmas is, please be safe, and take time to talk to others.

lets make a difference

It's exactly one year ago today, I stood in front of hundreds of people and helped present what became the Peer to Peer Support Network - the new mental health support network at work - providing a listening ear and signposting to other support services.

Part of my script in the presentation went:

“virtually every day my daughter tells me she wants to kill herself,

the mental torture she faces each day tells her that’s the best way out,

virtually every work day, after she tells me she wants to be dead, I go to work…

I am so grateful for the support of my managers, my colleagues and my wonderful team that understand the stresses I face; and make my life liveable. “

Just today, I heard feedback from somebody  who used the network over the past year and has benefited so much from the support he was given, he wanted to say thanks because the support network had pulled him thru the rollercoaster ride he went thru following the deaths of a number of close family members.

For me, I've been amazingly blessed by getting to know the hundreds of people in the support network, and am so chuffed of the changes we’ve made to people’s lives in the last year. 

It shows we can all make a difference – we just need to start

World Mental Health day & Happy Birthday Peer to Peer

Today (Oct 10^th) is the WHO’s World Mental Health day -  and it marks the first anniversary of the Peer to Peer Support network, set up at work. It’s been an amazing year with hundreds of people trained up with Mental Health support, and able to provide a listening ear to anybody who needs it in the business.

This year the theme of World Mental Health day is “young people”

I’ve been looking at a few stats about MH support for young people, and shocked to see that 10% of children have mental health conditions, but 70% of children and adolescents who experience mental health conditions have not had appropriate interventions at an early age. 

Despite 75% of mental illness starting before the age of 18, less than 30% of mental health research is focused on young people

Only recently the BBC published a report that said that 22% of 14-year-old girls have recently self-harmed, and 9% of boys. The pressures on teenagers and more so, pre-teens, seems to be growing – with the impact of academic pressure, Social media, body image & low self esteem.     

We often think about older people as being lonely – but an interesting report I read last week (again on BBC) stated that 10% of Young People (under 24s) described themselves as always or often lonely – that’s three times more than the over 65s!

How can we help youngsters?

So, what can we do about it? If we have children who are suffering, or know of others, then keep trying to encourage them to:

1.      Eat healthily

2.      Sleep (not hard for some children 😊)

3.      Get moving (play a game)

4.      Find “me” time (don’t get bogged down in school work)

5.      Get outside (walk, run, exercise)

6.      Laugh (essential!)

Sometimes it is hard to talk to people about how they are, so seek opportunities to do so – it’s always nice to go for a walk round the local park, or if the children are unable to walk (e.g. teenagers), try a car journey – it’s amazing what you can talk about in the 30 minutes to football on a Saturday.

Where can we get support?

If you have concerns about peoples state of mind, talk to somebody.

Where to go to?

1.      The NHS GP services are always available,

2.      Charities such as Mind  do some great workshops in Suffolk

3.      The MIX, a national charity that provide support for under 25s online, via social media and over the phone, about all sorts – homelessness, financial worries and mental health.

4.      Young Minds a national charity that aims to help young people with mental health issues – they also offer a parent helpline, which is worth knowing about!

5.      Other groups in your community – youth groups, church groups etc.

Support the Carers

Another group of folks to look out for is the carers of young people with poor mental health or mental illness.

Recent research shows that nearly three-quarters (72 per cent) of carers in England have suffered mental ill-health, such as stress and depression, while 61 per cent have experienced physical ill health due to caring." 

As those who know me know, I am a carer for one of my four children; she’s 20 years old and needs support 24 hours a day to ensure that she is safe. She has Asperger's, Borderline Personality disorder, Selective Mutism and is Suicidal.

I am blessed in having to care for her (with my wife), however, caring can be very tough. At times, you question whether you are a good parent, you ask yourself the “what ifs” in terms of how you brought your child up.

Caring can be very isolating – because of your responsibilities you can’t pop out with friends, work colleagues, or even have holidays.

Caring can make you feel helpless – there is little support if you are appearing to “cope ok”

Caring can be confusing –it brings with it questions about benefits – what is the carers allowance, how do you apply for PIP?  How easy is it get Employment Support Allowance? And what is a CAMHS team?

So, what can you do? In short, reach out to carers, their lives are not easy – and they are often overlooked. Provide opportunities to listen them.  I am so thankful for folk who stop what they are doing and ask how things are going, or folk who just send a message (text or Facebook) to give encouragement.

Finally, mainly through the Peer to Peer Support Network I have been encouraged by people who have managed to overcome issues and times of distress. If you are going thru a dark time now, or know somebody who is, then keep plodding on. The brighter days are coming. Find support.

Outside BT, I know of a lot of people who have struggled, some even older than me, many younger. One such individual who I “found on YouTube” after she released a song about bereavement is Roma Nicholson – a young 13-year-old – who has raised £ks in support of local charities by singing. When not in school she seems to be out at a pub / party / shopping centre singing and raising money. One such song, released for World Mental Health day is linked below – and deals with her response from bullying

(the song features on her debut album, “Teen Spirit”, out on release on 28th October 2018. The sale of the album will benefit local charities: 4YP Suffolk mental health project, EACH hospice and the Ipswich Winter Night Shelter.)

www.facebook.com/romasworlduk    @romasworlduk    http://romasworld.co.uk/ 

never enough time!

Do you feel that you’ve never enough time ? Well I want to let you know that time is infinite, well if not. it is very very long.

So, there is time, what matters is what you do with it, it's all about priorities.

I was talking recently with a friend at work, who after many years of trying to do lots and lots of things, realised that if you do less – you do it better.

And you get to know your family again! 

One of the many things I remember from ages ago is seeing my project manager in at the snack-bar at work, and complaining to him that I just had too much to do, and was feeling very stressed. He turned, looked at me eye to eye, and pointed back at me saying "and whose fault is that?"… meaning, it was probably my fault.

And that is so true. It rang true then, and it still does now.

It's all about priorities.

We set ourselves unrealistic targets for our own work, we take on too many commitments – because we want to help and be supportive to our colleagues, we take on too much, we run out of time, we get stressed, and we fail.

Learning to say "no" is quite a skill. And one thing I learned is that if we do say "no", life still carries on; the world continues spinning.

We can say “no” nicely, learn to say “no, not yet, maybe next month”, “no, I think somebody else will be better doing that”, or, “no, I don’t have the time!!!”

For the past few years, I've pencilled in time for self-development (all technical training courses that look interesting (have you discovered MOOCs?) or just reading the mountain of technical magazines that accumulate in any office/home/websites).

Spending time away from the day job, helps up breath and think of new things.

So, my advice – it's your diary, control it.

Peer to Peer Support - how it started

Over a year ago, I posted on an internal blog at work how wonderful my team and others I worked with were.

It was at the time when I was often distracted, at least in part, with caring for one of my children who was suffering suicidal thoughts, serious anxiety, depression, self-harming, selective mutism, etc.

And the people i worked with - made my life so much easier!

I felt writing it would help me, as I cope with the day to day stresses.

I know a lot of people who use “journaling” to help their thought process.

Just the act of writing it down helped.

Little did I know that it was a start of a massive change in my company.

Two days later, I received a phone call from somebody (a total stranger) who explained that recently he had gone thru massive personal tragedy, and was suicidal. He went on to explain that it was his Line Manager who pulled him through & saved his life.  He had recently had an article published in a news magazine, entitled, “Saved from Suicide”.

After a few more minutes in discussion, we thought … wouldn’t it be good if we have a company-wide Mental Health support network.

After a few calls, we had a team and drew up plans.

Everybody we spoke to thought the idea was great.

To cut a very long story short. we teamed up with another group of people who had a similar idea (and piloted a scheme a year earlier) and set up the Peer to Peer Support Network.

The Network, simply provides a list of folks who have been trained, vetted and available to take phone calls/emails from people who need a bit of support. The list is filterable by location or mental health experience - so people can find somebody local to them (or at the other end of the country) who has lived through depression, PTSD, menopause, OCD etc.

Lots of coffee is involved!

Mental Health First Aid

One of the things we spoke of in the early planning meetings of the Peer to Peer Support Network I helped create at work, was to aim for a Mental Health First Aider in every office building, a bit like the list of first aiders that are often listed in large buildings where we work.

Since then, I’ve become aware of a national campaign to rollout Mental Health First Aid in each workplace in England. You can find out more at http://mhfaengland.org

MHFA run a 2-day course, if it’s like the in-house training from my employer, it offers practical skills to give participants the confidence and openness to talk about mental health. 

We may not have time or resources to take 2 days to be trained in Mental Health First Aid, but we can all make a difference as soon as possible.

Firstly, we can start with ourselves - keep an eye on ourselves and be alert and aware of your own mental state – 

• Are we sleeping ok?
• Are we more irritable with friends?
• Are we finding it hard to concentrate?
• Do we have somebody to chat to? 

Looking at those we interact with (at work or home)  - can we develop a listening community? Can we get to know these folk so well that we can see -

• Change in mood or appearance?
• Any changes in their tone of voice?
• Changes in behaviour?

Prevention is better than cure, let’s not allow anyone to reach the point where they need to take time out.

telling your boss…

If you work, would you tell your boss if you have a mental health issue?

Research suggests that many of us (up to 58%) are unwilling to tell our bosses when we don’t feel our mental health is good [1] [2].

It’s not hard to think of why this may be the case. There may be worries about confidentiality, not being up to the job, or maybe ongoing issues that it might cause. If the mental health problem is a disability, then legally (in the UK), there are safeguards, but much of the time we might just be feeling low.
 
It’s unfortunate that there is still a stigma about mental health.

But some companies are doing something about it.

Other than my own employer several companies have Employee Assistance Programs, offering free counselling services.  Examples of other companies that reportedly do more than the “average” UK company are Unilever [4] and Innocent Drinks [5], to name just two.

different views of the same thing

Last week I was fortunate to spend a few hours on the "Orwell Lady" river cruise as part of a colleague’s birthday celebration. It took us down the River Orwell, from Ipswich down to Harwich and back.

Before I’d gone I thought I was familiar with most of the journey, I had travelled by road (and bike) between Ipswich and Felixstowe many, many times - and spent a few years travelling to Chelmondiston and back.

However, the view from the river is very different. We saw things that you just couldn't see from the land. Various parts of the docks that I didn't know about, old buildings built by land owners that seemed to have nothing better to do, and masses of yachts moored off the shore.

Along the way there were many stories told by the skipper, opening up the history that passed in front of our eyes.

And I was thinking, it’s a bit like life….

We often see people but don’t know the struggles or barriers that they have gone thru in their lives.  There is often so much complexity that we just don’t know about.

As part of the hundreds of applications I’ve had from people joining the Peer Support Network at work, I am often amazed about the openness of people's reasons for joining the network.

For example, recently somebody told me how he has struggled with depression following a child suicide, another lady explained how she's got an alcoholic partner... and there are so many other stories that, to be honest, are just too upsetting to replicate word for word.

Outside the Support Network, I’ve got friends who were abused as a child, or assaulted as a teenager.

Each one of these people has scars because of their past, many are using their experience to help others going through a similar life journey.

It's a reminder that so many people suffer with mental health issues; and generally, most people don’t know about their struggles - and it reminds me that we should take another look at people, to accept them how they are, non-judgementally.

Peoples life journey is unpredictable, some people find that their life sticks to a wide-open road- others take a tumble, and yet others have the privilege of cruising down the river, and seeing life from a different perspective.

Until you've been there. best not to judge.

  

Mental and physical health

I've been blessed in recent years with caring and supporting friends and family who have struggled with life, due to poor mental health.

Over the years it's become apparent that so many people are struggling with something.  The statistics say that 1 in 4 of us will under go a period of serious metal illness.... being an engineer I like to check things out.... and its not easy to find the source of that 1:4 figure, especially as it's so commonly used.

Take a look at this article, there are many more on the web.

Whatever the figure, I believe we all suffer at times with some form of mental illness.... just like we all suffer from some type of physical illness.

Times are changing, slowly, people are more aware of the invisible symptoms of long term mental illness, I've seen that in my day to day life.

And both physical and mental health are linked. If you are depressed.... it's not easy to step out of your house to go for a walk.... similarly, if you've broken your leg, it can become very isolating.

Our 'normal' lives are not necessarily the same as other people's 'normal' lives.... but that's ok

Do you think there is a link between our mental and physical health?

Do you think society is changing in that more people are open about their mental health?